Learning to Love Myself
Good morning all!
This subject has been in my mind since a couple of days after my last post. I was happy and felt so good about where I was with myself at that very moment. I was going to write a "bonus" edition, but something inside me said wait. Then last week, my PCOS decided it was going to flair with a vengeance, so the last thing I wanted to do is look at my computer much less sit and type at it. Today, I'm not feeling the best about myself. That little voice inside me told me that right now was when I needed to write this blog. Here I am, and here it goes.
Let's start from the beginning. I started a weight loss challenge at the beginning of the month with my mom and her Herbalife group. The key word for our first weigh-in and beginning weight was "love." I was laughing at this because at that moment, I was really starting to feel good about myself and loving the way I looked. I loved taking pictures of myself and seeing the progress I've been making these last few months with my weight loss journey. I felt good and energized. I wasn't feeling as depressed as I had in the past. I felt that I had finally gotten the upper hand in all this self-loathing I have felt for so long.
Fast forward to late last night/early this morning. I had quite a break down. Before that, I took my frustration I was feeling about myself out on my husband. I took out the anger I felt towards other people out on him. Instead of getting mad at me like so many others would, he loved me through it and held me as I broke down and unleashed all the hateful feelings about myself unto him. He then reassured me and told me how proud he was of the progress I have made in these last two months. He seen me change for the better with each coming week. I'm not just standing still like I've felt like I have been for months.
Standing still... On April 1, I ceased to be a Pure Romance consultant. It's not that I didn't love what I was doing or thought that I couldn't do it, it was more that it was putting a strain of my relationship with my husband and myself. I had been trying and trying everything cooperate, my sponsor, and my sister consultants had suggested to do, but it yielded nothing. I did flash sales, my own parties, fliers, had a VIP group, all the tricks that were working for everyone else, but didn't get anywhere with it. I couldn't keep spending the money on products to have them sit in my closet collecting dust. After much debating and restless nights of sleep, I decided to call it quits.
Now, I'm sitting here and feeling worthless. My husband works all day and comes home so tired from his day. I sit on my butt doing nothing, feeling sorry for myself. I know that I have to do something, but what? What my heart is telling me to do would require going back to school. Do I really want to put myself through that again? Part of me says yes. Can I really depend on my husband to do all this while I find my way? Why should he have to? I'm 30 years-old going on 31, and I still don't have a career. I'm just standing still. Or am I lying in wait?
These last few weeks going to church have been pretty amazing experiences. Finding my way back to God hasn't been an easy journey. I've wandered so far, I never expected Him to take me back with open am, yet He did. I get so emotional during service thinking about His unconditional love for me. I don't deserve His love after denouncing Him, making fun of the traditions I grew up, yelling at Him for abandoning me, and countless other things. He never stopped loving me. If He can love me for who I am, even with all my flaws, why can't I?
There's so many people around me too that love me unconditionally. My husband showed me last night/this morning when I needed reassurance. Last week, a friend called me via Facebook to see how I was doing after seeing my statuses about the PCOS pain I was in all week. I was so surprised and touched by this, especially since she lost her husband recently to cancer. I was the one who should be calling her. My nephews who are so excited to come down in a little over a month to do things with us and be with me just because they miss me. My grandma who called me out of the blue yesterday just to see how everything was going. My other grandma who I talk to daily telling me how sweet and caring I am. All these people showing me love when I don't deserve it... If they can love me, why can't I?
I know that I have a ways to go. There's so much that I need to fix within myself. Do I feel like I love myself? Well, yes... and no. I know that's not the greatest of answers, but that's all I can really say. I know that some will understand and others won't. I can't explain it because I can't even explain it to myself. Am I making progress? I think so. To be honest, I don't know. My husband tells me that I'm better than I have been in a while. I do feel a heck of a lot better than I have, so I guess that's something. Do I know what path to take? Maybe... The voice inside my head is telling me to do it, so I guess that's a thing. Am I scared? Oh, hell yes! I'm scared to death. What if I fail? What if I'm wrong? What if, what if, what if... All these questions inside my head are enough to stop me in my tracks. But if I don't take a chance, I'll just be standing still for the rest of my life. I know I have a long ways to go, but it's one step at a time.
Until next time,
Ruari 💜
P.S. This is unedited. To be honest, I kind of want this to come from my heart. If there's typos or something that doesn't make sense, I'm sorry.
This subject has been in my mind since a couple of days after my last post. I was happy and felt so good about where I was with myself at that very moment. I was going to write a "bonus" edition, but something inside me said wait. Then last week, my PCOS decided it was going to flair with a vengeance, so the last thing I wanted to do is look at my computer much less sit and type at it. Today, I'm not feeling the best about myself. That little voice inside me told me that right now was when I needed to write this blog. Here I am, and here it goes.
Let's start from the beginning. I started a weight loss challenge at the beginning of the month with my mom and her Herbalife group. The key word for our first weigh-in and beginning weight was "love." I was laughing at this because at that moment, I was really starting to feel good about myself and loving the way I looked. I loved taking pictures of myself and seeing the progress I've been making these last few months with my weight loss journey. I felt good and energized. I wasn't feeling as depressed as I had in the past. I felt that I had finally gotten the upper hand in all this self-loathing I have felt for so long.
Fast forward to late last night/early this morning. I had quite a break down. Before that, I took my frustration I was feeling about myself out on my husband. I took out the anger I felt towards other people out on him. Instead of getting mad at me like so many others would, he loved me through it and held me as I broke down and unleashed all the hateful feelings about myself unto him. He then reassured me and told me how proud he was of the progress I have made in these last two months. He seen me change for the better with each coming week. I'm not just standing still like I've felt like I have been for months.
Standing still... On April 1, I ceased to be a Pure Romance consultant. It's not that I didn't love what I was doing or thought that I couldn't do it, it was more that it was putting a strain of my relationship with my husband and myself. I had been trying and trying everything cooperate, my sponsor, and my sister consultants had suggested to do, but it yielded nothing. I did flash sales, my own parties, fliers, had a VIP group, all the tricks that were working for everyone else, but didn't get anywhere with it. I couldn't keep spending the money on products to have them sit in my closet collecting dust. After much debating and restless nights of sleep, I decided to call it quits.
Now, I'm sitting here and feeling worthless. My husband works all day and comes home so tired from his day. I sit on my butt doing nothing, feeling sorry for myself. I know that I have to do something, but what? What my heart is telling me to do would require going back to school. Do I really want to put myself through that again? Part of me says yes. Can I really depend on my husband to do all this while I find my way? Why should he have to? I'm 30 years-old going on 31, and I still don't have a career. I'm just standing still. Or am I lying in wait?
These last few weeks going to church have been pretty amazing experiences. Finding my way back to God hasn't been an easy journey. I've wandered so far, I never expected Him to take me back with open am, yet He did. I get so emotional during service thinking about His unconditional love for me. I don't deserve His love after denouncing Him, making fun of the traditions I grew up, yelling at Him for abandoning me, and countless other things. He never stopped loving me. If He can love me for who I am, even with all my flaws, why can't I?
There's so many people around me too that love me unconditionally. My husband showed me last night/this morning when I needed reassurance. Last week, a friend called me via Facebook to see how I was doing after seeing my statuses about the PCOS pain I was in all week. I was so surprised and touched by this, especially since she lost her husband recently to cancer. I was the one who should be calling her. My nephews who are so excited to come down in a little over a month to do things with us and be with me just because they miss me. My grandma who called me out of the blue yesterday just to see how everything was going. My other grandma who I talk to daily telling me how sweet and caring I am. All these people showing me love when I don't deserve it... If they can love me, why can't I?
I know that I have a ways to go. There's so much that I need to fix within myself. Do I feel like I love myself? Well, yes... and no. I know that's not the greatest of answers, but that's all I can really say. I know that some will understand and others won't. I can't explain it because I can't even explain it to myself. Am I making progress? I think so. To be honest, I don't know. My husband tells me that I'm better than I have been in a while. I do feel a heck of a lot better than I have, so I guess that's something. Do I know what path to take? Maybe... The voice inside my head is telling me to do it, so I guess that's a thing. Am I scared? Oh, hell yes! I'm scared to death. What if I fail? What if I'm wrong? What if, what if, what if... All these questions inside my head are enough to stop me in my tracks. But if I don't take a chance, I'll just be standing still for the rest of my life. I know I have a long ways to go, but it's one step at a time.
Until next time,
Ruari 💜
P.S. This is unedited. To be honest, I kind of want this to come from my heart. If there's typos or something that doesn't make sense, I'm sorry.
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