Am I Good Enough?
Hi Everyone,
It's already past midnight here in Georgia. I know that I probably won't be editing this because it's so late and my husband is snoring away in the bedroom next to me. I know it's been a few weeks, and I'm sorry that it's a post like this, but I just need to write right now. It's selfish because this particular post is for no one in general; it's just for my selfish needs of getting an emotion out that has been sitting inside of me for so long.
I feel this hole... this void inside me that lately it's been so hard to fill. Sure, I feel magnificent after going to service and getting my worship on, but the Monday comes and I just feel this void taking over. A little voice talks to me, questioning my every move. How can I feel so light when I have no clue where I'm going? Why do I feel so ashamed of myself? What did I do? All these questions bog up my brain and I go in circles trying to answer them, but I know that I have no answers. I have no answers because I feel so low.
The constant question that nags at me constantly: Am I good enough? I'm constantly asking God for guidance, but I beat myself up because I don't feel like I'm good enough to ask Him for anything. I mean, I questioned Him for years and then I mocked Him and turned my back on Him. I know that He's forgiven me, but why? I don't deserve any of that. How can He love me so unconditionally when I was so fickle before?
Here I am just standing still and not moving forward. Maybe I am, but I don't even know anymore. My brain has just completely gone blank. It's so confused on everything, but yet... not... I don't know. I'm sorry; this is so confusing to follow. I'm honestly writing from my head and it's coming out the way my head words it. I feel so useless. I have no where to be, nothing to do, and no ambition. I just... I hate myself for feeling so... I don't even know, and maybe that's the problem. There's so many things I want to do in my head, but I'm so afraid of letting others down or failing.
I've failed my husband so many times. I've gone on so many ventures that I thought would work but never did and ended up costing us thousands of dollars. It's probably why I'm so afraid to make my next more. I can't afford to fail him again. I can't afford to take another venture and it not to amount to anything.
I watched Evan Almighty yesterday and I feel so... emotionally wound up. I remember talking about this movie and the Bruce Almighty movie in my Confirmation classes and retreat. There are so many signs in those movies that both Evan and Bruce miss from God. He is trying to point them in the right direction, yet they ignore it or don't even notice it. There were so many signs pointing us to Georgia, but every since we've gotten here, I've felt so... lonely. I mean, sure, I have friends and his family here, but there's just something missing. I know that not having my family around has been really tough on me, but there's just something else that I can't put my finger on.
It brings be back to this question. The question that this entire blog is about. Am I good enough? Am I good enough to represent Him? I mean, how when I'm constantly questioning every step I take in His direction? Am I good enough for my husband? I know he has Asperger's, but he barely sees me anymore. Work takes up all of his time. He's so stressed out that he needs his time on the Switch or his computer. He doesn't need me. Am I good enough for my parents? Hell, my dad barely talks to me and neither one of them are chomping at the bit to come and visit me. Neither one call to tell me what's going on with family or what not. I'm just... here. Am I good enough for my nephews? Yeah, they're coming down in a few weeks to visit and stay with us, but they probably despise me for calling the Disney trip off. I've let them down so much by not being there for their birthdays, pre-K graduation, river walk, and so much more this past year. Am I good enough for my friends? One talks to me on a regular basis while the others come in every once in a while. I know I'm not the best at staying in touch with people either, but it's a two way street. Am I good enough to be doing this? This whole entry is a mess and I just... AH! I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
And I hate this. I hate that I'm writing at 1:22 in the morning because I can't sleep and NEED to write. I hate this damn void that won't let go of my heart. I hate this anxiety that I'll never be good enough for anyone. I hate knowing that all I need to do is turn the language around in my head to positive speak and I'd feel better. I hate being so jumpy at every sound because my husband isn't up to protect me. I hate feeling so helpless... and hopeless...
I'm so blank... I don't know how I was able to write so much already. I feel so numb. I hate that I have this need to cry, but I'm too afraid to let myself break. That would be admitting to myself and possibly others that something is wrong. I've felt so good lately, and then this... This slump for the last week and a half.
Until next time,
Ruari 💜
It's already past midnight here in Georgia. I know that I probably won't be editing this because it's so late and my husband is snoring away in the bedroom next to me. I know it's been a few weeks, and I'm sorry that it's a post like this, but I just need to write right now. It's selfish because this particular post is for no one in general; it's just for my selfish needs of getting an emotion out that has been sitting inside of me for so long.
I feel this hole... this void inside me that lately it's been so hard to fill. Sure, I feel magnificent after going to service and getting my worship on, but the Monday comes and I just feel this void taking over. A little voice talks to me, questioning my every move. How can I feel so light when I have no clue where I'm going? Why do I feel so ashamed of myself? What did I do? All these questions bog up my brain and I go in circles trying to answer them, but I know that I have no answers. I have no answers because I feel so low.
The constant question that nags at me constantly: Am I good enough? I'm constantly asking God for guidance, but I beat myself up because I don't feel like I'm good enough to ask Him for anything. I mean, I questioned Him for years and then I mocked Him and turned my back on Him. I know that He's forgiven me, but why? I don't deserve any of that. How can He love me so unconditionally when I was so fickle before?
Here I am just standing still and not moving forward. Maybe I am, but I don't even know anymore. My brain has just completely gone blank. It's so confused on everything, but yet... not... I don't know. I'm sorry; this is so confusing to follow. I'm honestly writing from my head and it's coming out the way my head words it. I feel so useless. I have no where to be, nothing to do, and no ambition. I just... I hate myself for feeling so... I don't even know, and maybe that's the problem. There's so many things I want to do in my head, but I'm so afraid of letting others down or failing.
I've failed my husband so many times. I've gone on so many ventures that I thought would work but never did and ended up costing us thousands of dollars. It's probably why I'm so afraid to make my next more. I can't afford to fail him again. I can't afford to take another venture and it not to amount to anything.
I watched Evan Almighty yesterday and I feel so... emotionally wound up. I remember talking about this movie and the Bruce Almighty movie in my Confirmation classes and retreat. There are so many signs in those movies that both Evan and Bruce miss from God. He is trying to point them in the right direction, yet they ignore it or don't even notice it. There were so many signs pointing us to Georgia, but every since we've gotten here, I've felt so... lonely. I mean, sure, I have friends and his family here, but there's just something missing. I know that not having my family around has been really tough on me, but there's just something else that I can't put my finger on.
It brings be back to this question. The question that this entire blog is about. Am I good enough? Am I good enough to represent Him? I mean, how when I'm constantly questioning every step I take in His direction? Am I good enough for my husband? I know he has Asperger's, but he barely sees me anymore. Work takes up all of his time. He's so stressed out that he needs his time on the Switch or his computer. He doesn't need me. Am I good enough for my parents? Hell, my dad barely talks to me and neither one of them are chomping at the bit to come and visit me. Neither one call to tell me what's going on with family or what not. I'm just... here. Am I good enough for my nephews? Yeah, they're coming down in a few weeks to visit and stay with us, but they probably despise me for calling the Disney trip off. I've let them down so much by not being there for their birthdays, pre-K graduation, river walk, and so much more this past year. Am I good enough for my friends? One talks to me on a regular basis while the others come in every once in a while. I know I'm not the best at staying in touch with people either, but it's a two way street. Am I good enough to be doing this? This whole entry is a mess and I just... AH! I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
And I hate this. I hate that I'm writing at 1:22 in the morning because I can't sleep and NEED to write. I hate this damn void that won't let go of my heart. I hate this anxiety that I'll never be good enough for anyone. I hate knowing that all I need to do is turn the language around in my head to positive speak and I'd feel better. I hate being so jumpy at every sound because my husband isn't up to protect me. I hate feeling so helpless... and hopeless...
I'm so blank... I don't know how I was able to write so much already. I feel so numb. I hate that I have this need to cry, but I'm too afraid to let myself break. That would be admitting to myself and possibly others that something is wrong. I've felt so good lately, and then this... This slump for the last week and a half.
Until next time,
Ruari 💜
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