Breaking Point
Good morning readers,
Well, I finally reached that point. The "point of no return" as I like to call it. I broke down and I broke down good. This week has been episode after episode of crying alone, because I always have to be happy on front of everyone else. Why did I break? Probably a very silly reason in most people's eyes, but I've always been over sensitive.
The short answer is my relationship with my husband, yet it feels much more complicated in my head. Simple things hurt me more than I can explain. I should be able to just mention something or at least cry in front of my husband, but oh no. Lord knows that it'll cause a meltdown for him, so I must be "fine" at all times. My first breaking point was alone, locked in the bathroom because he didn't want to deal with it.
The worst part is I was doing so well for the longest time. I felt like I was finally on track. Then these past few weeks hit me like a tidal wave. I am just so... stuck... alone... desperately reaching for the surface but it's not there. Drowning in my own pool of depression.
I can cry alone... I can writing a whiny blog post that no one will really care about. I know I do these for myself to validate that I'm still alive. That I'm here. That I still have feelings even though I must be an emotionless stone around everyone else.
Is it so hard to give someone some quality time? Why must I wait another week for my niece and nephews to get here so I don't feel so incredibly lonely? Why do I have to beg for him or anyone really to spend time with me?
My best friend lives four hours away. Yeah, I get to see her a lot more than I did when I lived in Wisconsin. I know that I'll see her as well in a couple of weeks. I know that there are a few people trying to reach out to me here in town, but I don't know how to be a friend anymore. Everyone says to just be myself, but myself is not good enough for so many others, so why would it be good enough for anyone else?
I light up every time my husband comes through the door. There's finally someone else here besides the cats to talk to, right? I wish... I can desperately hope that today will be different, but it won't be. We'll silently watch TV until the guys get here to play DnD. He'll play Tetras on the Switch or one of the other games, and I'll desperately try to get something out of him, but he won't hear me. He can hear what someone is saying on the phone to me (not on speaker), but he can't hear me when I'm right in front of him.
I know he works hard. I would never fault him for that. I'm so damn proud of everything he's accomplished in the last seven years. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm standing still compared to him. He's going places and doing things while I'm just... here... taking up space. I have so many ideas of what I want to do, but other things have to fall into place first. I'm such a failure compared to him.
I'll never be what he is.
He's been working a little later because he wants to make sure he can get out on time when the kids are here. That's fine and dandy. I'm ecstatic he wants to do that for them, but why can't he make time for me? While my mind is racing about the day, he's snoring away next to me, playing games on the Switch or phone, or doing spreadsheets on his computer. He goes running when anyone else needs him. When it's me, I have to have a "very good" reason. He makes all these promises, but they never come to anything. It's the same thing day in and day out. He'll rush home tonight for DnD, not to spend some time with his wife before the guys get here.
Why don't I just go to him about all this instead of complaining on here. I have and will... many times. I'm exhausted from constantly repeating of myself. He melts down every time and the only way to get him to calm down is to say that everything is okay. That there's nothing to worry about or do. I'm just over sensitive. He's doing a wonderful job at forgetting I exist.
I feel like I repeat myself so much when I write these blogs. This is just about not being good enough again just like last week. But again, this is just my selfish need to validate that I existed in this world. That I'm here. I know people have visited the pages of my blogs; I don't know if people actually read them. To be honest, if someone else was this whiny sounding, I wouldn't be reading it. I know my husband sure the hell wouldn't read it unless I told him about it. It helps me, so that's all that matters, right?
Until next time,
Ruari 💜🌸
Well, I finally reached that point. The "point of no return" as I like to call it. I broke down and I broke down good. This week has been episode after episode of crying alone, because I always have to be happy on front of everyone else. Why did I break? Probably a very silly reason in most people's eyes, but I've always been over sensitive.
The short answer is my relationship with my husband, yet it feels much more complicated in my head. Simple things hurt me more than I can explain. I should be able to just mention something or at least cry in front of my husband, but oh no. Lord knows that it'll cause a meltdown for him, so I must be "fine" at all times. My first breaking point was alone, locked in the bathroom because he didn't want to deal with it.
The worst part is I was doing so well for the longest time. I felt like I was finally on track. Then these past few weeks hit me like a tidal wave. I am just so... stuck... alone... desperately reaching for the surface but it's not there. Drowning in my own pool of depression.
I can cry alone... I can writing a whiny blog post that no one will really care about. I know I do these for myself to validate that I'm still alive. That I'm here. That I still have feelings even though I must be an emotionless stone around everyone else.
Is it so hard to give someone some quality time? Why must I wait another week for my niece and nephews to get here so I don't feel so incredibly lonely? Why do I have to beg for him or anyone really to spend time with me?
My best friend lives four hours away. Yeah, I get to see her a lot more than I did when I lived in Wisconsin. I know that I'll see her as well in a couple of weeks. I know that there are a few people trying to reach out to me here in town, but I don't know how to be a friend anymore. Everyone says to just be myself, but myself is not good enough for so many others, so why would it be good enough for anyone else?
I light up every time my husband comes through the door. There's finally someone else here besides the cats to talk to, right? I wish... I can desperately hope that today will be different, but it won't be. We'll silently watch TV until the guys get here to play DnD. He'll play Tetras on the Switch or one of the other games, and I'll desperately try to get something out of him, but he won't hear me. He can hear what someone is saying on the phone to me (not on speaker), but he can't hear me when I'm right in front of him.
I know he works hard. I would never fault him for that. I'm so damn proud of everything he's accomplished in the last seven years. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm standing still compared to him. He's going places and doing things while I'm just... here... taking up space. I have so many ideas of what I want to do, but other things have to fall into place first. I'm such a failure compared to him.
I'll never be what he is.
He's been working a little later because he wants to make sure he can get out on time when the kids are here. That's fine and dandy. I'm ecstatic he wants to do that for them, but why can't he make time for me? While my mind is racing about the day, he's snoring away next to me, playing games on the Switch or phone, or doing spreadsheets on his computer. He goes running when anyone else needs him. When it's me, I have to have a "very good" reason. He makes all these promises, but they never come to anything. It's the same thing day in and day out. He'll rush home tonight for DnD, not to spend some time with his wife before the guys get here.
Why don't I just go to him about all this instead of complaining on here. I have and will... many times. I'm exhausted from constantly repeating of myself. He melts down every time and the only way to get him to calm down is to say that everything is okay. That there's nothing to worry about or do. I'm just over sensitive. He's doing a wonderful job at forgetting I exist.
I feel like I repeat myself so much when I write these blogs. This is just about not being good enough again just like last week. But again, this is just my selfish need to validate that I existed in this world. That I'm here. I know people have visited the pages of my blogs; I don't know if people actually read them. To be honest, if someone else was this whiny sounding, I wouldn't be reading it. I know my husband sure the hell wouldn't read it unless I told him about it. It helps me, so that's all that matters, right?
Until next time,
Ruari 💜🌸
Comments
Post a Comment